a birthday note

{dear penelope anne}

i have been putting this off since october.

i have not wanted to write this, write of your year, how you are growing and the things you are able to do. i have not made the time nor the effort. i am sorry. my heart is heavy. you are only three, but you are three now. that seems so huge to me. i keep asking you to stop growing, both you and your sister laugh and tell me, but mom i will keep growing, i will get bigger you know. and i know, i just feel as though it has gone too fast. i don't know if i have taught you all that you need to know, if i have loved you well to establish in you a confident young lady, if i have exampled to you a gracious and godly woman.

i cried with scott a while ago. as the tears came down i explained to him that you will not choose to fall in love with us. both you and your sister will grow and choose to fall in love with someone else. someone that i don't know, someone who will take new and wonderful adventures with you, someone who will love you with a passionate and intimate love that i can not give you. someone who is not me. and yet my whole being (since you have been here) has been about you. you and sophie. you guys get my whole heart, you get most of my energy and effort, you get my days, and adventures. and yet you will not fall in love with us. and that is okay. it is beautiful. it is hard to think of now. scott replied, good thing they are only four and three! i laughed a little. the thing is he is who i fell in love with. he is the one i love to take adventures with, spend my days with, plan picnics with and take road trips with. he is the one who knows me more intimately and passionately than any other, it is to him i run to, hold onto and cherish. together we had you and together we will watch you grow and mature, and develop more and more character and beauty. we will encourage you with your dreams and ask you to live a life of love and grace. and one day you will leave, you will seek adventure without us, you will have grown so much that you won't need my help with your zipper or socks. you won't ask for toys off the top self or fall asleep in my arms. you will cry with someone else and ask anothers perspective before mine. and that is okay because that is b e a u t i f u l. i know because i have someone just like that. but it makes my eyes water and my heart heavy.

{a birthday at the park with dear friends. freddy sophie charlee penny jane bodhi and oliver}

i think this is why i have not wanted to write you a birthday note. i have not wanted to admit the mile stones you have accomplished...the fact that you know your oceans and continents, that you have memorized scripture and don't always need a nap. you have grown so much this year. you have started learning french with your sister, and taking ballet class. you play for hours on end with sophie without needing my help or guidance. you are able to scoot so fast on your run bike and venture off with soph holding hands without even looking back. you can spell your name and skip...a skill that did not come easy. you are a coloring machine, soft spoken in front of others but stubborn and fairly loud when others are out of ear shot.

you would rather play inside than out which can make my eye tick, but you are lovely and kind. you have a sense of humor that takes years to develop and a look that can make any of us laugh. and when it comes to laughs, yours is to die for, loud and full, it can make a day of crazy vanish is seconds.

penny you are an amazing little girl. i had one of the scariest dreams i have ever had this year, about you, and i was forced to remember that you do not belong to me, you are our Fathers, His blessing in our lives. i promise to always point the way to Him, to answer your questions and to encourage your passions and gifts. i promise to soak in every moment i am given with you and when the time comes, with joy, watch you embark on new adventures with the person you choose to give your heart to. it will be my time to take new adventures as well, with the man that i stand beside. blessings dear girl. blessings. we love you. good thing you are only three! {others shown, matt and chelly, laura, carliegh and ashley. ps the cake was her pick...even over strawberry shortcake and tinkerbell}