gifts

as we were packing i noticed three extra gifts under our tree. sophie ran to my side as i questioned what they were. "no mom" she exclaimed. "those are the gifts i am giving to you all." "oh bud, i am so sorry" i replied. "would you like to give them to us now?" we called scott into the living room. the first gift was for scott. it was sophies stuffed dog, her favorite toy. it is a black dog that she has named kurok after our very own dog. "i am giving you kurok daddy, because he is your dog and you love him very much, so i would like you to have my kurok." next came pennys gift. "i know that penny likes stuffies, so i am giving her this one" she pulls out a stuffy that already belongs to penny...but that is not the point. "and for you mom, i am giving you this..." she pulls out some of her play kitchen food "...because i love your baking and think you are the best at it." i melted. i squeezed her with all my might. she gave us her best. she gave from her heart. of course...i cried.

just thoughts

not that this is a new thought. but maybe it is. perspective really. i was challenged this morning, in my understanding of christmas, in my outlook. i can be overwhelmed with the thoughts of christmas, with the expectations of the season over the purpose of the celebration. but today my heart sank and tears ran down my cheeks as i listen to a man explain without hesitation that i am way off base. i feel as though my soul needs a large sign over it "warning: under construction". we have a choice to make, it can be only one of two things, there is no third option, and that is either that we believe in Jesus and thus celebrate christmas, or we do not and therefore do not celebrate christmas. for in its original intention this thing that we celebrate was to bring into the world the baby who was Jesus and for only one purpose, to die that we may live. He was born of a woman and so fully human, yet given by the Holy Spirit and so fully God, which to me seems so incredible. He did not come that we may give gifts or eat turkey, He did not come so that we may have a romantic and beautiful day without tensions or quarrel, He came fully perfect as a perfect sacrifice. His intention from the beginning was to die, He was an offering, an offering not because of my sin but in spite of my sin so that i may live. it is not for the traditions, the christmas trees, the songs and warm feelings, it is not to be about family and happy feelings. happiness in no way compares to joy and joy is experienced upon knowing Jesus. christmas is Jesus, christmas is joy, and it is celebrated with the cross shadowing over it. from the moment He was born His life was pursued for death be it herod or the cross, His life was pursued. and yet i forget. i feel caught. caught in the expectations, caught in the traditions and i forget. not that i forget the birth, i remember that, i forget the enormity of the birth. i focus on making one day beautiful instead of embracing the truth, which i do not deserve, and the reality that without Jesus there will always be tension and unpleasantness, that is sin. so, "warning: under construction" is the sign i wear around my neck and over my soul. these are my thoughts as i am challenged to see what christmas was intended for instead of the traditions we expect of it and are expected for it. these are my thoughts as i experience the joy that is christmas as we celebrate the birth of Jesus.

a five year old now

sophie turned five on monday. sunday night i ventured into their room after we had said our goodnights, i wasn't ready to leave her just yet. i climbed into bed with her and asked if we could have one more conversation while she was still four. with a big smile on her face, she answered with excitement that that was exactly what she wanted to do. we chit chatted, giggled at her sister snoring and then i asked her not to turn five. she assured me she would and seemed very eager for the morning to come, so i asked if she would run into my room and yell that she was now five...she agreed. we hugged, kissed, maybe i didn't let go. morning came. she turned five. she is already talking about what she will do when she is six. man i love that girl. i love her spirit, her enthusiasm and her excitement of life. she is full, full of life, beans, and Jesus. today she said, "mom, if i push on my heart, i will push on Jesus." penny replied "yeah dad told us that." quickly sophie answered "no penny, i thought of that myself." i love that. i love her. she is five...are you serious. our five year old went down the water slide at the pool on sunday for her birthday party. she would flip herself around so she would come down head first on her tummy. she dragged miss jenne to the top with her, and she won't stop talking about it. she ate a tinker bell cake and played with those she loves. we are blessed beyond words. and we have a five year old. we went for a family walk tonight, bundled in our sweaters, mitts on, crisp cool night on our cheeks, warm drinks in hand...all four of us. we quickly found out that penny is not the best at walking and drinking and that sophie can not get enough of us all together. i may have been praying the whole time that a few snowflakes would fall...that would have completed the night (in my opinion). sophie asked if we could do this every night. i would like to. her smile and laughter filled my heart. penny held my hand and i loved every step we took. these days have been good.

they dance

and they love every moment of it.

if they could take miss kelly home, i am sure they would.

this is one of my days during the year to see them in action.

i loved every moment of it.

maybe loved them a little bit deeper after this day.

{penny dances first in baby ballerinas}

{sophie dances second in pre-primary} they dance with joy and passion...everyday.

a birthday note

{dear penelope anne}

i have been putting this off since october.

i have not wanted to write this, write of your year, how you are growing and the things you are able to do. i have not made the time nor the effort. i am sorry. my heart is heavy. you are only three, but you are three now. that seems so huge to me. i keep asking you to stop growing, both you and your sister laugh and tell me, but mom i will keep growing, i will get bigger you know. and i know, i just feel as though it has gone too fast. i don't know if i have taught you all that you need to know, if i have loved you well to establish in you a confident young lady, if i have exampled to you a gracious and godly woman.

i cried with scott a while ago. as the tears came down i explained to him that you will not choose to fall in love with us. both you and your sister will grow and choose to fall in love with someone else. someone that i don't know, someone who will take new and wonderful adventures with you, someone who will love you with a passionate and intimate love that i can not give you. someone who is not me. and yet my whole being (since you have been here) has been about you. you and sophie. you guys get my whole heart, you get most of my energy and effort, you get my days, and adventures. and yet you will not fall in love with us. and that is okay. it is beautiful. it is hard to think of now. scott replied, good thing they are only four and three! i laughed a little. the thing is he is who i fell in love with. he is the one i love to take adventures with, spend my days with, plan picnics with and take road trips with. he is the one who knows me more intimately and passionately than any other, it is to him i run to, hold onto and cherish. together we had you and together we will watch you grow and mature, and develop more and more character and beauty. we will encourage you with your dreams and ask you to live a life of love and grace. and one day you will leave, you will seek adventure without us, you will have grown so much that you won't need my help with your zipper or socks. you won't ask for toys off the top self or fall asleep in my arms. you will cry with someone else and ask anothers perspective before mine. and that is okay because that is b e a u t i f u l. i know because i have someone just like that. but it makes my eyes water and my heart heavy.

{a birthday at the park with dear friends. freddy sophie charlee penny jane bodhi and oliver}

i think this is why i have not wanted to write you a birthday note. i have not wanted to admit the mile stones you have accomplished...the fact that you know your oceans and continents, that you have memorized scripture and don't always need a nap. you have grown so much this year. you have started learning french with your sister, and taking ballet class. you play for hours on end with sophie without needing my help or guidance. you are able to scoot so fast on your run bike and venture off with soph holding hands without even looking back. you can spell your name and skip...a skill that did not come easy. you are a coloring machine, soft spoken in front of others but stubborn and fairly loud when others are out of ear shot.

you would rather play inside than out which can make my eye tick, but you are lovely and kind. you have a sense of humor that takes years to develop and a look that can make any of us laugh. and when it comes to laughs, yours is to die for, loud and full, it can make a day of crazy vanish is seconds.

penny you are an amazing little girl. i had one of the scariest dreams i have ever had this year, about you, and i was forced to remember that you do not belong to me, you are our Fathers, His blessing in our lives. i promise to always point the way to Him, to answer your questions and to encourage your passions and gifts. i promise to soak in every moment i am given with you and when the time comes, with joy, watch you embark on new adventures with the person you choose to give your heart to. it will be my time to take new adventures as well, with the man that i stand beside. blessings dear girl. blessings. we love you. good thing you are only three! {others shown, matt and chelly, laura, carliegh and ashley. ps the cake was her pick...even over strawberry shortcake and tinkerbell}

on long car rides

many conversations happen in our car.

today was no different.

abbotsford to horseshoe bay

that is a long drive.

and when your sister is asleep, i suppose your thoughts grow bigger and bigger.

sophie (s): "mom when we die and live with Jesus, will it still be here?"

mom (m): "sophie we don't know much about what will happen when we die. we do know that if we believe and love Jesus, then we will spend eternity, that means forever, with Him. where that is, i don't know, i don't know what heaven looks like or where it is, i don't know if it will look like this world or not."

(s): but we know that matty is there, right mom.

(m): yes sophie, matty is there. and he doesn't hurt there. we are told in the Bible that when we are with Jesus there will be no sin, and when there is no sin there is no sadness, no pain, no tears. pretty amazing hey.

(s): yeah mom, and charlee will be there too.

(m): as long as charlee loves Jesus, she will be there too.

(s): mom, charlee will always love Jesus.

(s): mom, what is that big black smoke over there?

(m): that's called pollution sophie. when we make things there is often energy used and needed and then what is not used goes up a big chimney and out into our air. it is like when people throw garbage on the ground, that is called litter, well that smoke is litter in the air.

(s): gross mom, why do we do that?

(m): i don't know soph, but we can try not to, we can try to remember that everything we do makes a difference for our world. (i think i lost her here).

big questions,

i feel like i only have little answers.

i wonder what else she thinks about in her day.