gifts

as we were packing i noticed three extra gifts under our tree. sophie ran to my side as i questioned what they were. "no mom" she exclaimed. "those are the gifts i am giving to you all." "oh bud, i am so sorry" i replied. "would you like to give them to us now?" we called scott into the living room. the first gift was for scott. it was sophies stuffed dog, her favorite toy. it is a black dog that she has named kurok after our very own dog. "i am giving you kurok daddy, because he is your dog and you love him very much, so i would like you to have my kurok." next came pennys gift. "i know that penny likes stuffies, so i am giving her this one" she pulls out a stuffy that already belongs to penny...but that is not the point. "and for you mom, i am giving you this..." she pulls out some of her play kitchen food "...because i love your baking and think you are the best at it." i melted. i squeezed her with all my might. she gave us her best. she gave from her heart. of course...i cried.

just thoughts

not that this is a new thought. but maybe it is. perspective really. i was challenged this morning, in my understanding of christmas, in my outlook. i can be overwhelmed with the thoughts of christmas, with the expectations of the season over the purpose of the celebration. but today my heart sank and tears ran down my cheeks as i listen to a man explain without hesitation that i am way off base. i feel as though my soul needs a large sign over it "warning: under construction". we have a choice to make, it can be only one of two things, there is no third option, and that is either that we believe in Jesus and thus celebrate christmas, or we do not and therefore do not celebrate christmas. for in its original intention this thing that we celebrate was to bring into the world the baby who was Jesus and for only one purpose, to die that we may live. He was born of a woman and so fully human, yet given by the Holy Spirit and so fully God, which to me seems so incredible. He did not come that we may give gifts or eat turkey, He did not come so that we may have a romantic and beautiful day without tensions or quarrel, He came fully perfect as a perfect sacrifice. His intention from the beginning was to die, He was an offering, an offering not because of my sin but in spite of my sin so that i may live. it is not for the traditions, the christmas trees, the songs and warm feelings, it is not to be about family and happy feelings. happiness in no way compares to joy and joy is experienced upon knowing Jesus. christmas is Jesus, christmas is joy, and it is celebrated with the cross shadowing over it. from the moment He was born His life was pursued for death be it herod or the cross, His life was pursued. and yet i forget. i feel caught. caught in the expectations, caught in the traditions and i forget. not that i forget the birth, i remember that, i forget the enormity of the birth. i focus on making one day beautiful instead of embracing the truth, which i do not deserve, and the reality that without Jesus there will always be tension and unpleasantness, that is sin. so, "warning: under construction" is the sign i wear around my neck and over my soul. these are my thoughts as i am challenged to see what christmas was intended for instead of the traditions we expect of it and are expected for it. these are my thoughts as i experience the joy that is christmas as we celebrate the birth of Jesus.

a five year old now

sophie turned five on monday. sunday night i ventured into their room after we had said our goodnights, i wasn't ready to leave her just yet. i climbed into bed with her and asked if we could have one more conversation while she was still four. with a big smile on her face, she answered with excitement that that was exactly what she wanted to do. we chit chatted, giggled at her sister snoring and then i asked her not to turn five. she assured me she would and seemed very eager for the morning to come, so i asked if she would run into my room and yell that she was now five...she agreed. we hugged, kissed, maybe i didn't let go. morning came. she turned five. she is already talking about what she will do when she is six. man i love that girl. i love her spirit, her enthusiasm and her excitement of life. she is full, full of life, beans, and Jesus. today she said, "mom, if i push on my heart, i will push on Jesus." penny replied "yeah dad told us that." quickly sophie answered "no penny, i thought of that myself." i love that. i love her. she is five...are you serious. our five year old went down the water slide at the pool on sunday for her birthday party. she would flip herself around so she would come down head first on her tummy. she dragged miss jenne to the top with her, and she won't stop talking about it. she ate a tinker bell cake and played with those she loves. we are blessed beyond words. and we have a five year old. we went for a family walk tonight, bundled in our sweaters, mitts on, crisp cool night on our cheeks, warm drinks in hand...all four of us. we quickly found out that penny is not the best at walking and drinking and that sophie can not get enough of us all together. i may have been praying the whole time that a few snowflakes would fall...that would have completed the night (in my opinion). sophie asked if we could do this every night. i would like to. her smile and laughter filled my heart. penny held my hand and i loved every step we took. these days have been good.

they dance

and they love every moment of it.

if they could take miss kelly home, i am sure they would.

this is one of my days during the year to see them in action.

i loved every moment of it.

maybe loved them a little bit deeper after this day.

{penny dances first in baby ballerinas}

{sophie dances second in pre-primary} they dance with joy and passion...everyday.

a birthday note

{dear penelope anne}

i have been putting this off since october.

i have not wanted to write this, write of your year, how you are growing and the things you are able to do. i have not made the time nor the effort. i am sorry. my heart is heavy. you are only three, but you are three now. that seems so huge to me. i keep asking you to stop growing, both you and your sister laugh and tell me, but mom i will keep growing, i will get bigger you know. and i know, i just feel as though it has gone too fast. i don't know if i have taught you all that you need to know, if i have loved you well to establish in you a confident young lady, if i have exampled to you a gracious and godly woman.

i cried with scott a while ago. as the tears came down i explained to him that you will not choose to fall in love with us. both you and your sister will grow and choose to fall in love with someone else. someone that i don't know, someone who will take new and wonderful adventures with you, someone who will love you with a passionate and intimate love that i can not give you. someone who is not me. and yet my whole being (since you have been here) has been about you. you and sophie. you guys get my whole heart, you get most of my energy and effort, you get my days, and adventures. and yet you will not fall in love with us. and that is okay. it is beautiful. it is hard to think of now. scott replied, good thing they are only four and three! i laughed a little. the thing is he is who i fell in love with. he is the one i love to take adventures with, spend my days with, plan picnics with and take road trips with. he is the one who knows me more intimately and passionately than any other, it is to him i run to, hold onto and cherish. together we had you and together we will watch you grow and mature, and develop more and more character and beauty. we will encourage you with your dreams and ask you to live a life of love and grace. and one day you will leave, you will seek adventure without us, you will have grown so much that you won't need my help with your zipper or socks. you won't ask for toys off the top self or fall asleep in my arms. you will cry with someone else and ask anothers perspective before mine. and that is okay because that is b e a u t i f u l. i know because i have someone just like that. but it makes my eyes water and my heart heavy.

{a birthday at the park with dear friends. freddy sophie charlee penny jane bodhi and oliver}

i think this is why i have not wanted to write you a birthday note. i have not wanted to admit the mile stones you have accomplished...the fact that you know your oceans and continents, that you have memorized scripture and don't always need a nap. you have grown so much this year. you have started learning french with your sister, and taking ballet class. you play for hours on end with sophie without needing my help or guidance. you are able to scoot so fast on your run bike and venture off with soph holding hands without even looking back. you can spell your name and skip...a skill that did not come easy. you are a coloring machine, soft spoken in front of others but stubborn and fairly loud when others are out of ear shot.

you would rather play inside than out which can make my eye tick, but you are lovely and kind. you have a sense of humor that takes years to develop and a look that can make any of us laugh. and when it comes to laughs, yours is to die for, loud and full, it can make a day of crazy vanish is seconds.

penny you are an amazing little girl. i had one of the scariest dreams i have ever had this year, about you, and i was forced to remember that you do not belong to me, you are our Fathers, His blessing in our lives. i promise to always point the way to Him, to answer your questions and to encourage your passions and gifts. i promise to soak in every moment i am given with you and when the time comes, with joy, watch you embark on new adventures with the person you choose to give your heart to. it will be my time to take new adventures as well, with the man that i stand beside. blessings dear girl. blessings. we love you. good thing you are only three! {others shown, matt and chelly, laura, carliegh and ashley. ps the cake was her pick...even over strawberry shortcake and tinkerbell}

on long car rides

many conversations happen in our car.

today was no different.

abbotsford to horseshoe bay

that is a long drive.

and when your sister is asleep, i suppose your thoughts grow bigger and bigger.

sophie (s): "mom when we die and live with Jesus, will it still be here?"

mom (m): "sophie we don't know much about what will happen when we die. we do know that if we believe and love Jesus, then we will spend eternity, that means forever, with Him. where that is, i don't know, i don't know what heaven looks like or where it is, i don't know if it will look like this world or not."

(s): but we know that matty is there, right mom.

(m): yes sophie, matty is there. and he doesn't hurt there. we are told in the Bible that when we are with Jesus there will be no sin, and when there is no sin there is no sadness, no pain, no tears. pretty amazing hey.

(s): yeah mom, and charlee will be there too.

(m): as long as charlee loves Jesus, she will be there too.

(s): mom, charlee will always love Jesus.

(s): mom, what is that big black smoke over there?

(m): that's called pollution sophie. when we make things there is often energy used and needed and then what is not used goes up a big chimney and out into our air. it is like when people throw garbage on the ground, that is called litter, well that smoke is litter in the air.

(s): gross mom, why do we do that?

(m): i don't know soph, but we can try not to, we can try to remember that everything we do makes a difference for our world. (i think i lost her here).

big questions,

i feel like i only have little answers.

i wonder what else she thinks about in her day.

the start of our year

when it comes to school i had no idea we would be on the path that we are.

this year we have decided to home school.

it wasn't an easy decision, but we have been blessed and are so enjoying this new adventure.

that doesn't mean that everyone understands, not does it mean that everyone agrees with this choice, but we made this choice for our family and it is amazing.

sophie completes up to about an hour of school work a day including math, language arts, pe, science and social studies. not only does she have her time at home, but she is also apart of a learning center once a week for three hours. all the students who are being home schooled through this program are able to attend the learning center, so her class is a kindergarten - grade one split class complied of nineteen students, with their teacher mrs. thaine.

{first day of kindergarten}

outside of school, the girls are both in ballet lessons this year. penelope is a baby ballerina and sophie a pre primary. they have the same teacher just at different times and come home to play miss kelly and dance class pretty much every day.

{first day of ballet class}

our involvements continue on with our preschool group that we call "my class" which is continued on from last year. this year we added our tenth little one with the arrival of miss lyla jude. we meet once a week and school lasts an hour before we stop to have lunch together and then a playtime. every mom/teacher has the opportunity to teach once a month and every month is planned into a theme. it is amazing to see these ladies in action, their knowledge and abilities are incredible...truly it is an honor having them teach our girls.

{first day of "my class"}

then there are swimming lessons and french class.

it is a full year, but it is so exciting to see the girls grow and accomplish so much.

we have much, maybe too much. we give thanks because we have so very much to be thankful for.

a note

dear girls my heart tugs tonight on the importance of friendships, of choosing friends, of loving and caring for friends. i can't say there is a step by step program or even an adequate equation that make sense when it comes to friendships. i can't guarantee you won't feel hurt or saddened by those you choose to stand beside you. but if you choose well, i can say they will be a tremendous blessing to you, they will walk your journeys with you, they won't be able to carry your burdens or joys but they will listen to you and challenge you, rejoice with you and weep with you. when you choose a friend, find someone who speaks kindly of others even if they don't know them. watch for someone who isn't afraid for the girl in corner with skin problems, who talks to her effortlessly and is genuinely interested in her days at school. keep your ears open for the one who speaks negatively and unkindly of passerbyers, guard your heart against them, they will also speak unkindly of you. but remember this does not give you permission to speak unkindly of them. look for the one who smiles, who counts their blessings and finds ways to give thanks in all things. they are wise. beware of those who mock and snicker, you could ask that the Lord softens their hearts. watch for the ones who are willing to stand up for others, they will stand firm by your side. it is a rare and beautiful thing, a true friend, someone you can really say you love...please don't tell everyone you love them, know the importance of the word and share it when it is earned and respected. it is a blessing to have someone by your side, someone who will share their candy with you, play dinosaurs with you, listen to your heart and challenge you in the ways of the Lord. this will also build your character. it is a treasure to find someone who will jump with you in your excitements and encourage your progresses while walking through life with you. in return, you ought to be the friend you are looking for. love well, be kind to every person, never say unkind words or thoughts towards anyone. give thanks even when your heart feels heavy, offer grace to those who may not deserve it, i am not sure anyone deserves it. listen when anothers heart is being shared, reach out a hand for someone to hold onto. be the first to seek out someone in need, someone different, someone lovely. if we remember that we all belong to the Father that we are all made in His image, then there should be no boundary that keeps us from being so very kind to others. when difficulties arise, take a deep breath, have confidence in the Lord that He will give you the tools, the grace and the love to walk together. my prayer is that you would surround yourselves with people who uplift you, who challenge and strengthen you in the Lord, who push you toward beauty. that you would uplift, challenge and strengthen others, pushing them toward beauty. these are my thoughts on this rainy november night.

osoyoos

we had returned home from the island, dropped our bags and didn't let go of scott for at least a minute before the next trip was in motion.

i had one week to unpack, wash, clean, rest and repack before the next adventure would take place. we received a phone call explaining that there was room for and need for a traveling friend. and seeing as how our annual camping trip was not coming together as hoped for, and scott was still crazy busy with work, a traveling friend i would become. carliegh and gary were heading to osoyoos and would be staying in a lovely home with extra rooms. gary would be working long and hard days and there was not only a lake and beach area out the back doors, but a pool and hot tub out the kitchen window. i guess i was going. we set out tuesday night after work, the girls and i in our slow yet impressively able 87 tercel wagon, the daveys in their fully equipped (with dvd player..that i may have tried to watch from behind) mini van. i tried to race at some points...i lost! we sang songs, loud. we ate apple slices and pretended we were running. we stopped in manning for a quick break. the girls feel asleep shortly after and i was left to sing on my own.

we arrived.

my mouth dropped open.

amazing.

really amazing.

we woke the next day and put our bathing suits on and i am not sure they came off for the rest of our time there. it was my birthday and i was celebrated in the most loveliest of ways. sparklers and card from five really wonderful kids and one beautiful friend who pretended she was the little mermaid with me as we swam in the pool at night while the lights glittered through its waves (well i pretend, she sat in the hot tub).

following our day in the pool carleigh found a cultural center that we went to explore. snakes, trails, history, underground houses, treats, and stories. kind of a great way to spend the afternoon. it was cut short however due to a certain miss carleigh feeling rather "ill". on the speedy way home i was asked if i would rub her back and hold her hair if she was sick. my answer, not the greatest...but try to remember i was thinking if we were outside and the kids were by the water what i would do then...i responded by saying that after i got everyone in a safe place, then i come in and help her. she, not going down the same metal path as me, gave me a kind of disturb look...great friend she has! there was not much time to share with her where i was coming from before the van made a sudden stop and she pulled to the side of the road and yelled for my help. knowing that the sickness was coming i ran to her aid...everyone was safe in the car...i checked first! we leaned over the fence and then she pointed right, down the beach. my thoughts, who cares whats down there just make sure you are okay. my eyes, found seven warm bodies crouched against the wall...they took a second look. are you serious. best birthday ever. miss ashley and miss jenne along with their five precious little ones had come to join us for the last days. though i did not have to endure any kind of sickness as that was all made up just to get me out of the cultural center, the others did on their long journey up to join us...and still they drove on, after they littered, but we can overlook that this time.

we spent the next while enjoying each other, walks in the rain and some fun photos taken we made our way back and the ladies made dinner and may have even brought champagne. we spent the night talking, and gary did the dishes, bless his heart. it is not often we get to sit together and share our stories. but talking like little girls we found the clock at a time that moms with early risers don't handle well, so we said good night and found our beds. it was a good day. morning came and the bathing suits went back on. we really did spend the whole day in the water. pool to beach. beach to pool. maybe back one more time. it was good. our kids were good. there is community there, something that blesses my heart.

ps. best photo of miss jenne jumping ever jenne and i, along with gary are the competitive ones in the group and yet somehow we were able to make gary race against the clock, to the dock and back in one minute. it was pretty awesome, the whole conversation leading up to the challenge, and even the fact that he did it was pretty sweet...his time, 1minute and 15 seconds. rad dude. i love this photo, and the one that preceded it (though not shown). joy are my thoughts when i see these girls, pure joy in friendship love and grace. i drove home with two sleeping girls. i thought of taking up race car driving...then i remembered what i was driving and slowed down. my heart was full. how could it not be. i give thanks. there are three beautiful ladies who are willing to pour life into me, into each other. who are willing, willing to do and be anything for each other, anything that is upright and lovely. i admire their kindness and love,they are helping to grow my character.