choices

these past few months have been full, full of emotion and beauty, full of big questions and helpless answers.  there have been struggles and blessings, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.  there has been loss and there has been gain.  there has been a strengthening of community and a deeper trust in the words of the Lord.  my words here have been few lately, but my heart has been full and i feel now able to share the importance of it all, not the details of it all, but the strength that i cling to.

there is a story that is not mine to share, but the way in which it was dealt with is one that i desire to communicate because it is one that i hope to imitate.  
a friend oh so close to my heart lost her two boys, a few months ago.  the phone rang on a friday night and tears streamed down my cheeks as a sweet voice explained how her boys were with our Savior.  her words were few, and i had none to offer in return.  she held them tight through the night and loved those boys as she does her other children, with deep affection that only comes from the Father.  i had no idea what to offer her, but soon learned it was not about me or the things i was or was not able to offer.  there was a sense of helplessness, a feeling of incapability, i wanted to desperately show her my love, her family that my heart broke for them...without knowing how.  and when i did see her, her words and actions showed me grace, she offered me grace for not knowing, grace in spite of my lack of effort because she trusted more than i did.  she trust the Lord.  her eyes hurt but they also shone with the strength of Jesus.  she wrapped her arms around me and i felt like i melted inside them.  and she was the one who had lost.  she offered me more than maybe she even knows.  she spoke and still speaks of the pain and sorrow she experienced, but never without the mention of the name of the Lord.  never without the understanding that she is choosing to experience joy in every moment of the day, through every moment and breath she is presented with.  joy.  and she spurs me on toward love and good deeds as she holds unswervingly to the hope she professes (hebrews 10:23-24).  joy.  we have a choice.  we always have a choice.  and she chose joy.  she chose to trust in a God who walks close to her side.  she chose to offer grace to a friend who was helpless when she was in need.  her character is rooted in the Lord.  
a few weeks ago her son asked, "mom, did you see Jesus when He came to get the boys?"  and i want to answer him, oh sweet boy, of course she did.  i bet she told Him about the stethoscope she was about to steal and He would have smiled and then thanked her and your daddy for showing those who helped them in the hospital that there was a God, that there was a power greater than any other, a God who is worthy of being trusted, who will give you the strength and hope and joy to endure such pain.  

this is the kind of woman i desire to be.  
i desire to choose joy.

and then there is a story of a boy who traveled to a far away place.  again a story that is not mine for i did not experience it, but my heart was touched and changed by it all the same.  he left with a blessing from my heart and i waited eagerly to hear from him as he would have his inner most being changed and stretched from the sights and sounds of the world around him as he found himself in haiti.  the tears would stream down my cheeks as i read his thoughts, his struggles, the questions he didn't understand.  the whys that seemed would not ever have an answer.  the little ones who seemed would never know life beyond a certain age.  he would write of the people he met and the children he held, of their struggles and seemingly hopelessness.  he questioned life, its purpose and its place, his purpose and his place.  he cried without ceasing.  he found a little girl named sophie and it was his undoing.         

"...little Sophie was calm and observant.  She really didn’t say anything, but she didn’t need to.  She had already impacted me so greatly, not only by the songs and prayer offered to us buy her and her friends, but also by the simple fact that she shared a name and was at a similar age of my own little girl whom I love and cherish so very deeply.  I gazed deep into Sophie’s big brown eyes and was overcome with questions.  Why was this her lot in life?  Born into a life of struggle with a disease she did not deserve or choose, a disease which left her without Mother or Father, and one which is treated but still ravaging her little body.  I personally have never met anyone with Aids, but once I met her I had a tough time letting her go."

it was my undoing.  how was i to love this man so far away, so full of questions and heartache, so full of the love of Jesus.  i reminded him that the only thing that the Lord has asked of us is to love.  we have not been asked to fix everything, or anything, only to love and to love well.  and he does.  he always has.  he loves with the strength of Jesus, with the hope we find in Him.  and i am blessed beyond measure to walk life with him.  and he has changed.  he is a new man, one of tears and new eyes.  he loves a little deeper.  he sees joy in the places others dismiss.  he holds onto joy, the joy of the Lord.  it is the only thing he can do.

and so there is a choice.  a choice in how we will deal with the impact of events on our lives.  a choice of who we will turn to every moment of the day.  a choice of what we find.  

joy.  

there are heartaches.  there are moments that overwhelm, moments that take our breath away, moments that seem to be our undoings.  and we have a choice.  my heart will never be the same.  we grow, we learn, we are stretched and challenged, we lean on others and cling to the Lord.  we trust in His name and give thanks for the community that rises up around us.  and we make a choice.  i have seen others make a choice for joy and i admire that for in it i see Jesus.